I would like to get into the topic of exhaustion and bipolar disorder. I take no less than ten medications daily for my bipolar disorder, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol. A couple are anti-psychotic meds. I have gained a LOT of weight and am planning on speaking to my psychiatrist and therapist when I see them next week. The reason(s)? I am sleeping almost constantly. I go to bed at 11 pm and fall asleep within ten minutes. I sleep until approximately 6 am. I wake up, get dressed and putter around the house. Within an hour I am exhausted and go back to bed. It is not uncommon for me to sleep until 3 pm. That's 8 more hours of sleep. I stay up about an hour then go back to bed. I feel so listless and drugged I cannot begin to explain it adequately. I will get back up around 7 pm, watch some TV, then go in for the night at 11, and start all over again... Do I have chronic fatigue syndrome? Am I depressed big time? Have I contracted mono? Perhaps I am bored. I have no idea. I saw my cardiologist yesterday and he thinks it is the amount and types of meds I take. He also increased my blood pressure medication as my BP is on the elevated side. Any comments would be helpful; thanks for listening!

Another Part of My Life Gone...and Life Does Go On...

With the advent of Facebook, I can say I have reconnected with childhood friends, grade school and high school classmates, and Manilow pen pals I conversed with back in the late 1970s, among others. I don't know about you, but I can say it has made a profound change in my life. For that I am grateful. Yesterday I took a chance and punched in the name of a person that was an instrumental part of my life during sophomore year in high school (1977-1978). Immediately it came up "Living Memorial for ______ _______". She had a very unique name but I wanted to make sure it was her. True enough, one post had information that I knew was personal enough to confirm it was indeed a page dedicated to her. Unfortunately, she had died last month. With a heavy heart, I read the posts. Friends expressed their condolences and feelings about my friend. Her daughter said she was so glad _____ was her mother and she was grateful _______ took care of her and her children. Now I must say my friend and I had an interesting relationship. She lived on the West Coast in a major city. We were friends through the "magic of Manilow". When I would have arguments with my parents, I would run out of the house up the street to a pay phone and call her collect, sobbing in frustration. ________ always had kind words to say. We started making arrangements for me to move across the country to be with her. My life was totally unbearable. It was the beginning of my descent into hell thanks to rapid severe cycling bipolar disorder. But it would be four more years until I was officially diagnosed with the disease. ______ and I wrote to each other every single day. It took four days for a letter to be delivered. Therefore, if she mailed a letter on Monday, I would receive it on Thursday, Tuesday on Friday, and so on. And I'm not talking about a skimpy one page letter - I mean letters from eight to twelve pages long. She told me things would get better. Unfortunately, the talk eventually drifted to sexual tones and comments. My parents got hold of the letters and unbeknownst to me, they contacted her and threatened a lawsuit if she did not cease and desist all communication immediately. I didn't know of this until I called and she said she couldn't speak to me anymore. She explained what happened and I was hysterical. I actually had a physical ache in my heart. There went my "out". I knew I would never make it through high school. Consequently, I attempted suicide by downing an entire bottle of Stelazine (known back then as "the happy pill"). My father was so angry at me - he called the neighborhood pharmacist and asked what he should do. He was told in no uncertain terms to get me to the ER immediately to have my stomach pumped. Never happened - but I slept for three days straight. My descent into the dark abyss continued for years. Suicide attempts continued. But I never forgot ______; I just wish I had been able to contact her before she passed away to tell her I was doing a lot better. I'll never forget her. Just another part of my complicated life lived, and another person who touched my life, however brief, is gone.

Weather Changes Aggravate My Bipolar Disorder

Good morning! Today's temps will be in the high 60s! The sun has risen and it promises to be a bright and beautiful day. I didn't get much sleep last night. The sudden change in weather really messes up my attitude and moods. So much for winter easing into spring - spring does not officially arrive until next Tuesday - we are destined to experience a slam into a possible summer-like environment. Across the country today it will go into the 80s! As I said, this sudden and major shift of temperatures does not help me stay on an even keel. It is true, at least for me, that warmer weather keeps me positive. But the ever changing up and down temps shift my rapid cycling bipolar disorder into an avalanche of confusion, agitation and restlessness. The solution for me at this moment? I will be going in to nap for several hours and hope that when I awake I will feel better. Does anyone else have this problem? Blessings be...

BPD and Quitting Smoking

I'm going to get into a little bit about my severe rapid cycling bipolar disorder today along with my quitting smoking.
I was diagnosed at age 18 with the disease. I can say I tried almost all of the bipolar meds in the PDR in order to find some solace, but the combos didn't work. I remember taking Haldol, an anti-psychotic, and ending up with no less than 26 oozing boils on my face. Needless to say, I was not happy. Another side effect was feeling like a zombie. I didn't care for Haldol. At all.
I can say I finally found the right cocktail three years ago. Yes. All these years it has taken to mix the right meds to make me feel relatively calm...I was taking 2000 mg of Depakote daily and I gained so much weight that I was psychwearing a size 6XL. I sat down with my psych and therapist and said enough, I wanted off of it. They agreed, and it took SIX months to safely wean off the medication. I lost 80 pounds. Mind you, the psych had to prescribe another anti-psychotic in order to keep me on an even keel. He prescribed Risperdal (now generic - risperdone). It worked for several weeks then I started feeling jumpy and agitated again. He prescribed Seroquel, ANOTHER anti-psychotic, and finally I began to relax. However, I have gained weight back and I am not happy about it.
I quit smoking cold turkey 24 days ago and am extremely proud of myself. I hadn't started smoking until I was 26 years old...23 years ago! I also suffer from carotid artery disease, so I HAD to quit if I wanted to live. It hasn't been easy, but every day I feel stronger and more in control. I don't need a cigarette to get through the day. It was an awful habit; I was even past the point of enjoying a smoke after a meal. I would just run outside (I never smoked in the apartment) after I'd get up in the morning to light up. Every time I did, I would be so angry with myself because of the lack of willpower. Finally I got to the last cig in the pack and I said that is IT - I am done - and prayed and prayed to my Higher Power that I could be strong enough to overcome the awful habit. So far, I have not cheated. I admit the cravings are there, but it would take me driving to the convenience store down the block to get a pack of smokes...and I would have a cig fired up before I even got into the car.
Not worth it. Not worth it.
So on I go, taking the right cocktail of bipolar meds and smoke-free. Can't think of anything better at the moment! Thank You Lord for the blessings! I owe it all to Him.